If & Then

IF you ask a pregnant woman if "she is sure that there's not more than one in there," THEN you should be prepared to get the stink eye from her until she is skinny again. Even if you are the sweet neighbor-lady.

IF it is 96 degrees outside, THEN you can be assured that The Shafers will be content to share a 35 oz. slurpee from Sam's Club and thereby enter a complete state of bliss.

IF you buy toilet paper from Sam's Club and it's too heavy to carry in on your own, THEN be sure that you give you husband enough warning to carry it in before you run out. You know that could spell T-R-O-U-B-L-E.

IF your kids are fighting too much, THEN it is a good idea to make them hug and kiss until they promise to never fight again.

IF you are only 7 months pregnant and someone says to you, "So, you must be due any day now," THEN you are entitled to roll your eyes at them. And then you can still make cookies for dinner. Just don't admit to anyone that you did it.

IF you are crazy-hot and uncomfortable at night, THEN you can dress your kids in winter pj's and turn the a/c down to 65.

IF it thrills you to see what people put on the curb for the garbage man because "one man's trash is another man's treasure," THEN make sure that you take a walk on Monday nights. You know, because trash day is Tuesday, and the good stuff goes fast.

IF you read an article in a fashion magazine that says that Heidi Klum sometimes sleeps with her hair in 3 loose braids to create a "gorgeous, tousled look," AND IF you have abnormally straight and impossible-to-curl hair, AND IF you just want to see if it works, THEN don't be totally shocked when you wake up the next morning and find that your hair is just kinky and weird looking. I don't know this from experience. I just am guessing.

IF you are looking for a good toe nail polish color, THEN you should try black. It's really kind of fun.

IF you really are craving concrete and chalk, THEN you shouldn't eat it. Seriously, put it down. Step away from the toxic materials. But, you can always try chewing ice. Or daydreaming about a gritty, concrete snack.

IF your door knob on your bathroom door is broken, THEN you should warn your guests. IF you choose not to, THEN you shouldn't be surprised when your brother and sister-in-law get locked in for 20 minutes. Nor should you be surprised when you get a call from your dinner guest on their cell phone about ten minutes after they excuse themselves to the bathroom asking if you would please come upstairs and let them out.