The Art of Tattling

A Reflective Essay

by Calvin & Wyatt Shafer

There are many important techniques available when one chooses to tattle on another. Here are a few suggestions:

1. When trying to cover up a misdeed that you have committed (such as a hit or pinch), make sure to wait until your victim has retaliated, and then repeat the following to your mother or father, "Mooooooooommm (make sure to drag out the middle vowel as it sounds dramatic and will thereby increase your success rate), ________ (fill in the blank with your victim's name) just hit me." Be careful not to mention that you landed the first blow as this will get you in worse trouble.

2. Never tattle when the adult is on the phone. This will get you nowhere. In fact, not only will the adult not listen to your plea, they will most likely just turn the TV on for you so that they can finish their important business.

3. When tattling, try to be expressive. No one ever got somebody else in trouble with a blank face. Some suggested ideas: pouty lips, moist eyes, and quivering chin.

4. Beware of the dreaded "tattling backfire." You must take caution to tattle at spontaneous intervals. If you consistently tell on someone else, you lose all credibility. Extreme cases often result in timeout and/or extra chores for the taler. Such cases are rare but known to exist.

5, Perfect your "tattle voice." The recipe for success is as follows: 1 part whine & 1 part sincerity.

6. There is no point in tattling on your sibling to your mother when she has "tired eyes." You will know them when you see them: droopy lids, dark circles, and squinting.

As you make use of these techniques and suggestions, we hope that you will find that will get more of what you want, and that your brother and/or sister will get less of what they want.

The Distinguished Authors