The Art of Tattling

A Reflective Essay

by Calvin & Wyatt Shafer

There are many important techniques available when one chooses to tattle on another. Here are a few suggestions:

1. When trying to cover up a misdeed that you have committed (such as a hit or pinch), make sure to wait until your victim has retaliated, and then repeat the following to your mother or father, "Mooooooooommm (make sure to drag out the middle vowel as it sounds dramatic and will thereby increase your success rate), ________ (fill in the blank with your victim's name) just hit me." Be careful not to mention that you landed the first blow as this will get you in worse trouble.

2. Never tattle when the adult is on the phone. This will get you nowhere. In fact, not only will the adult not listen to your plea, they will most likely just turn the TV on for you so that they can finish their important business.

3. When tattling, try to be expressive. No one ever got somebody else in trouble with a blank face. Some suggested ideas: pouty lips, moist eyes, and quivering chin.

4. Beware of the dreaded "tattling backfire." You must take caution to tattle at spontaneous intervals. If you consistently tell on someone else, you lose all credibility. Extreme cases often result in timeout and/or extra chores for the taler. Such cases are rare but known to exist.

5, Perfect your "tattle voice." The recipe for success is as follows: 1 part whine & 1 part sincerity.

6. There is no point in tattling on your sibling to your mother when she has "tired eyes." You will know them when you see them: droopy lids, dark circles, and squinting.

As you make use of these techniques and suggestions, we hope that you will find that will get more of what you want, and that your brother and/or sister will get less of what they want.

The Distinguished Authors

The Ole' Ball and Chain

It's been 7 years, folks.

7 Years ago tomorrow we tied the knot.

Said "I do."

Exchanged vows.

Strapped on the ole' ball and chain.

And I've got to say - - - it's not been so bad.

I guess we've got it alright. (If you haven't noticed the tongue in cheek yet, now is the time to notice it.)

The kids are okay. Sometimes they drive us crazy. And then sometimes they make our hearts so full that they might burst.

We are the normal couple.

We love each other. We get bugged at the quirks. We take turns. We compromise. We laugh together.

But then there are THOSE MOMENTS.

You know what I mean:

• The time he grew sideburns across half of his cheeks and down to his chin because I liked it.
• The time that he told Calvin and Wyatt that they were his second best friends because I would always be his first.
• The time we made Eggs Benedict together for date night. And they were so terrible that neither one of us could finish them. And then Eggs Benedict came to mean "disgusting" in our married language. And now we laugh if that dish ever comes up in conversation.
• The time he came home with a potted flower for me for no reason.
• The time I got so mad at him that I tried to throw a golf club as far as I could, and we both had to laugh because it landed only 2 feet away.
• The time we sat and stared at each other for about 3 hours. With blank looks on our faces. And an overwhelming sense of fear. That was also the day we moved into and saw for the first time our first apartment in NYC. That was rough.
• The time we laughed together because Calvin laughed so hard that he threw up.
• The time he called to tell me that he got into NYU, and I almost dropped the phone in the bathtub. And we couldn't contain our excitement.
• The time when we hadn't picked out a name for our second son. That was also the time that as soon as baby #2 was born, we looked at him. And Noah said, "You know what his name has to be, don't you?" And we both said at the same time, "Wyatt."
• The time Noah tried to convince me to put up the Christmas tree in June. Oh, wait, that was last week.
• The time I brought him a book from the library that was really just a bunch of comic books bound together, and I became Wife of the Year.

You get it. It's the small stuff. It's the little everyday things.

I'm hoping for at least another 70 years of the everyday.

Best. Breakfast. Ever.

Calvin made me breakfast the other morning. My favorite: a homemade semi-frozen whole-wheat pancake with still frozen blueberries. He is well aware that anything longer than 4 seconds in the microwave is waaaayyyyy too long. Calvin always remembers that I like my pancake cut into bite-size pieces with approximately 1/4 cup of maple syrup per bite. He also knows that I prefer all breakfast to be served on my favorite Spiderman plate. BUT the apex of the meal was that I really only got 2 bites because Calvin and Wyatt helped me clean my plate. I'm a dainty eater.

Might I Suggest Some New T.V. Watching Posture?

One Good Thing

Okay, I won't just tell you one good thing. I'll tell you a couple of good things about today:

1. We went to the turtle statue near the beach and the boys climbed and climbed while I was able to read more of my book.
2. Both boys admitted to liking both carrots and peas.
3. I got Elizabeth Pack to like me. Though only 9 months old, she's a hard sell.
4. I had the following conversation with Wyatt about 15 times (no joke):

Wyatt: It's good to see you today.
Me: It's good to see you, too, Wyatt.
Wyatt: Thanks, Mom.
Me: You're welcome, Wyatt.
(Repeat the entire thing. Now start from the top and repeat. Keep going until he gives up and decides to play with toys.)

5. I got a package in the mail from my Mom. Thanks for the bread mix. You da best!
6. I found a tension curtain rod hidden in storage. Really, truly, that was exciting for me. What do you expect, I'm a housewife????
7. I cheated the gas light in the van. You know what I'm talking about.

To Help You Plan Your Day

If the weather in your area is still yucky, as is ours, here are some suggestions to help you and your children not go crazy. This is what we have been doing:

1. Making cardboard houses.

2. Eating lunch in our cardboard houses.

3.Painting pictures.

4. Printing pictures of the Hulk, Spiderman, Yoshi, and Mario from the internet and taping them to the wall.

5. Fighting over toys.

6. Watching cartoons.

7. Organizing the toy box.

8. Making cookies.

9. Jumping on the bed.

10. Fighting over toys.

11. Building towers out of cans of vegetables and knocking them over.

12. Pretending that we are Lightening McQueen, TowMater, and Sally.

13. Waiting for Dad to come home.

14. Going to the library.

15. Reading our library books.

16. Fighting over toys.

17. Watching YouTube videos starring Yoshi.

18. Picking out a toy at The Dollar Tree.

19. Pretending that we are at the pool by wearing our swim trunks all day.

20. Building tents with the couch cushions.

21. Starting the habit of getting up waaaaayyyyy too early at 6:30 a.m.

What do you do when it is rainy???

He Is Supposed To Be Nacho Libre

But with blue flubber on his face instead of green. And a spandex mask instead of flubber.